the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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