About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
