i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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