last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
