He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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