so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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