just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
