She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
