Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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