This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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