My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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