You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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