Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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