John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
