Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
