Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
