Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Randomize
