recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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