I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
