I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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