Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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