I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
babies were throwing up all over the place
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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