homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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