So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
