Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
