I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So squirting runs in the family.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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