She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
