Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
