theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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