I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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