my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
