this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
