Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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