the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
