Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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