he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
did you just send me my own nude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
