I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
