What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
