if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
