I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
