He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
