I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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