My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
