I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
