Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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