dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
