I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
