i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
