the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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