mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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