Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
